I just said no to a booty call because I want to stay home and read.
I suck at this life thing.
I spent the whole week working my ass off and I deserve some fun.
So today there’s this great party I really wanted to go, and I managed to take a nap so I wouldn’t be so tired, but now I’m having a really bad anxiety crisis that is killing me and I just can’t leave, I’m almost crying, I’m feeling so lost and desperate.
Can’t I have fun, anxiety? Once? Please?
As much as I try to love my body I am so unhappy right now in life that my figure is becoming a huge issue
I eat right, I train a lot, I still feel like a huge fucking failure because I can’t get skinny like when I was anorexic. It was a really dark time and it scares me that I am starting to think that the only way to be happy about myself is if I stop eating again
I can’t go through that again and I can’t continue to feel like I do now, I need serious help but I have no money for professional help.
I have to take a promo pic for my pinup set and I can’t do it. Everytime I try and look at my photos I feel bad. I love doing photoshoots, so why do I feel so ugly now? It’s been many months since my last. I should love myself, and I try to. I just can’t.
I am psychologically unable to see or read anything that poses Sirius as straight. I have anxiety attacks, don’t ask me to explain because even I don’t quite grasp it.
Then comes Tumblr and suggests me Blackinnon blogs. Tumblr, this new feature sucks, if I want Blackinnon I’ll search for it, but have I ever? No. Screw you.
work thursday night train friday work friday night train saturday work saturday night train sunday i’m so glad it’s father’s day and i won’t work sunday night and spend it with my family omg i haven’t slept in three days
I work as a hostess for a night club where the vast majority of public is exchange university students. Me and the other girl take care of everyone’s tickets, ask for their IDs, say welcome, see if their names are on the list etc. We handle things pretty well since I speak English, German and Spanish and she speaks English, Spanish and French. But I’m always a happier host when the guest tries to speak Portuguese with me, even if they are bollocks at it. I think it’s a sign of respect that you at least try to communicate with the natives in their native language, seeing as you are in their country. Even if it’s just a ‘thank you’ after we talked I will smile. When I travel I always try to at least thank people or ask if they speak another language in their native tongue, it’s under no one’s obligation to speak another language in their own country, and the only people who seem to just want to speak English and not even try to say ‘hi’ to me in Portuguese when they arrive are the people from the USA. They’re very polite and nice, but sometimes I think most Americans that come here are not interested in spending the student year learning our language.
I also think it’s funny how everytime I ask an American where they’re from they tell me the name of their state. Like the fuck I should know where that is. Once a bloke told me he was from Georgia and I swear it took me all of 5 minutes to realise later he meant the state of Georgia, USA, and not the country Georgia.
Sometimes when I’m suffering from a really bad anxiety crisis, which is relatively common, I go throught the wolfstar tag to try and shut down at least part of it.
I don’t know why wolfstar helps me, it just does, no explanation. I think it’s because I am extremely emotionally attached to these characters, I identify with them a LOT, more than any others. Sometimes when I’m shaking I turn off the lights and focus on art, fic or headcanons other people post. I can’t always do it, but most of the time I can stop the tremors.
This is also one of the reasons I won’t be able to watch The Gathering Storm as soon as it comes out, I’ll have to wait for a day when I’m anxiety free. If I watch it on a bad day I may get really down. I know it seems insane and exagerated, but it’s not. I have a problem and I’m aware of that.
This is just a random personal rant. I feel bad today, I have to lie down and can’t move from the chair. It’s also a bit difficult to write like this, but I have to do something.
Guys, don’t post hate about a ship on the ship’s tag. I dislike/will never accept some ships but I will never talk shit about them because who knows how it may feel to someone else? That’s all I wanted to ask.